that i used to do a lot of things under the tree. like teach kids, dream and wait for birds to shit on me.

that i used to cry under its shade because i hated the concept of pity, of mercy and that when i was a debater, i would let the adversary kneel when he/she committed Argumentum ad Misericordiam.

that i was a tire swing, or a rattan swing or a hammock made of flour bag. that i had this strong relationship with solitude. and that to drift and sway are the two things i am very graceful at.



that i could not get drunk when happy, or in a good mood or in the beach.

that i could never trade in my composure for things i’d regret doing out of drunken trips.

that i loved playing with waves when tipsy. that i had this bunch of male friends who’d kid me about being

inside a bottle, them outside

i, delusion

them, reality.

and yes, that the first time i puffed the roll, the only question i asked was

“do i look cool?”



that the only time i initiated a kiss was once and it never happened again.



that both males and females loved me

because i had a flexible gender

if there were those who disliked me, it’s because:



i seem disoriented

i am a waste of time.



that i refused the only man who offered to draw me naked because i was shy and that i had scratches on my stomach. but it did not mean i loved him less.


i’d tell them that “when you go home one day, dragging a girl with your left hand
and scratching your head with your right,we’ll stay in the teraza with your dad. together,we will drink the night away. lots of fun talks and comfort. about the 90s and pink floyd ”

i hope it will rain that evening. we will go to the beach the next day.



that i loved my brothers too much that i never cried in front of them,
that i taught them to fly kites.
never forced them to be other people, never preached about religion
and never stopped them from shitting worms.


and



lastly,
that i have lived my life like a boy
like you know, you get all this crap about patriarchy and balls



but at the end of the day,
you know that to circumnavigate this life, you need another person to journey with you.



or
maybe,
you just have to make sure you got circumcised.




but of all things, i’d never miss to tell them that
when i made love to their Father, i was sober



and was



very much in-love.